18 years, 18 years and 18 more

"Good Things Come to Those Who Wait" ... Who ever said that was full of bullshit. Good things come to those that are determined to face whatever odds are in front of those things. 

The past three years have seemed like a war in my head. I have resisted all the odds and projections of my mental illness but that has taken a toll on my wellness and I have both physically and mentally suffered. 

I have fought a battle against having to become a caregiver, more than a spouse or a intimate partner.

I've watched my children go through a lot of emotional turbulence from moving from Phoenix back to our hometown because we lost just about everything except for ourselves. 

I've spent countless hours evaluating and reevaluating the things I find important in my life. 

I have become this Buddhist philosophy practicing former Catholic, while being surrounded by churchgoers asking me if I lost my belief in God? (The short answer is no, but I stopped anticipating him to be there for me, many years ago.) Do I pray? (Absolutely for others and myself.) Do I attend church? (No, because I don't believe the church connects people to a higher power anymore than I think my cat can solve the world's problems.)

My life is pretty much filled with skepticism and cynicism. I rarely rely on anyone else to do anything for me. I have learned that the hard way, unfortunately people will only be there for you if there is mutual gain involved in most situations. There are exceptions but there are also strings attached to everything.

I respect everyone, but trust no one. I learned that the hard way, repeatedly, because for a considerably long time I believed others felt (or thought) the same as I did. Naive I know, especially because I teach interpersonal communication and know the "ins" and "outs" of personal perception and internal perspectives. 

I was once a dreamer, now I am a realist. I'm not sure if that was something I learned or evolved into after having three children. But my personal bar got lowered and that disappoints me more than I will ever admit.

I have always and forever will be an empath, but I am slowly learning to say 'no' to the takers. Do I still help without bias? In a moment's notice, but I step back and aside when it comes to receiving credit for things. Credit is overrated and where many believe God will favor them, I believe karma will favor to me.

I still get taken advantage of in every outlet of my life. It hurts deeply and angers me greatly, but I am able to walk away from the fight much better than I once was.

I cry, but I also boss up because I learned that unless you speak up about your morals and values, you will never grow as a person. Yet, I choose my battles... arguing over the clothes my daughter wants to wear to school is not worth the effort or agony.

All and all, I'd like to think I have evolved over the last 18 years much more than I did the initial 18 years, but there is still much work to be done. I pray that I face the next 18 years with more courage and class, because those qualities seem more rare and rare every day.