The Worst Night of My Life: To the Unknown Defilers

I lay here in bed recalling the event, as if it occurred today. The night I was was a victim and desired prey. You should know I lost more than my innocence that night. I met you at a bar on State street, how naive I was when I agreed to meet. I remember clearly walking into the bar, then only moments until I woke up in my car.

I do remember thinking how odd it was that your friend met us during our date. I wasn't even tipsy when I met you there that night, and I suppose it happened when I first left my seat for the restroom

Shortly after, I remember feeling tired and weak in the knees. I remember your offer to help me to my car, even though I indicated it wasn't very far. I even remember you telling the bartender that your girlfriend wasn't feeling well, and you would safely take her home while your friend half carried me out the door, because I had nearly fallen to the floor.

I remember your friend aggressively pushing me into the backseat of my vehicle.
Then its mostly black. I felt pain in my soul that night. I woke up in the backseat in an abandoned parking lot, with no idea where I was or how I got there. And 2 hours late to work. Not knowing what happened other than my torn skirt.

I drove to work and changed to my khaki pants and red top. I wish this was the end, but the agony didn't stop.

I continued to lose track of minutes and time that night, not sure what I did other than try to finish my shift. I remember a kind older colleague see how broken I was and I am pretty sure he was the only one who cared. He made sure to wake me up after our hour lunch break, so I wouldn't get in trouble.

By the end of my shift, the HR manager had arrived and I was swept into a meeting without a moment's notice. Where I had no excuses nor did I know what was going on, until it ended. I was terminated on the spot because of a minor HR violation. I misplaced my box cutter.

As I cleaned out my locker, I found the box cutter and returned it to the HR manager, but it was already too late. That was what happened the night I was raped.

I sometimes wake up in a panic to see your evil eyes, it turns my stomach to think I was some sort of prize. You and your buddy know who you are, I was not just some dumb girl you doped up at the bar.

My mother had died only 3 months before which was why I avoided my home and worked swing shifts. My best friend wasn't talking to me because of decisions I continued to make with the fake confidence that I was unstoppable. I avoided my dad because it just meant more awkward conversation and not healing from the void my mother left.

So that night, I was raped, terminated, and devalued while already feeling worthless and lost. That night, I was alone. That night is what I think of as the worst night of my life.

Why Does this Mean I'm Mediocre?

I recently read this blog. I felt a little guilty that I didn't immediately resonate with the author, because I have always been a dreamer. I will admit I never thought I would change the world, but I had these ideas that I wanted to share. I wanted to share these visions with anyone who would listen.

I had a 5 year plan, another 5 year plan because I thought planning would help get me where I thought (at the time) I was to be.

What I didn't plan for was life experience to change how I valued my time, life and work. However, I refuse to say my life is merely mediocre. I am still a dreamer. I have not given up my inspiration or idealism. What I did find was a deeper meaning and value in myself.

I found that I value my time more than what others did including employers. I have learned some amazing lessons over the years, a great deal of them I learned the hard way.

I learned that my time spent doing things like interacting with others about self-perception and their personal perspectives was rewarding to me intellectually and it brought great value to my life. I also learned that listening to my daughters play with legos at a small table next to my computer bureau was also just as valuable.

I guess I feel my life will always be more than mediocre because it is based on choices I have made and experiences I have survived. Maybe this is why I have come to the conclusions I have.

My husband is not perfect, our relationship is a struggle but we still share some amazing moments with our children and our families whenever we can. As much as I hate the weather where we live, I am grateful that I have so many people around me that I love and treasure.

The more years I live, the more I find I appreciate the small things, just as much as the big things. Each night I go to bed, wishing for a better day tomorrow. Nothing about that is mediocre and that doesn't mean I don't appreciate what I have been blessed with or cursed with. I have overcome a lot of hardships and because of those experiences I am more grateful for pure moments of absolute bliss. 

There is nothing mediocre about living life as it occurs and being satisfied by the simple beauty of it all.