Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A Work In Progress… Me.

"Reality is harsh. It can be cruel and ugly. Yet no matter how much we grieve over our environment and circumstances nothing will change. What is important is not to be defeated, to forge ahead bravely. If we do this, a path will open before us." ~Daisaku Ikeda
Over the past few months, I’ve tried to look at every situation I find myself in, from as many different perspectives as possible.  But the fact of the matter is, when I am alone… my mind floods with all the grief, suffering, and difficulties.  I try to do my best with what I have, I never give up, and I continue to persevere.  My life condition is definitely not what it appears to be on the outside, inside there is a small girl crying who never seems to get things right.
I attend SGI-USA Buddhist meetings regularly; while I am there I feel like I am a bird flying high above the sky seeing everything for what it is.  But then afterwards, when the support network isn’t with me, I feel alone.  I continue to participate in the Buddhist activities because while I’m present, I’m happy.  But I can’t escape the aloneness I feel whenever I am left to let my brain run in circles.
One of my favorite songs, Reflection has always given me goosebumps because I feel the song in my heart very deeply.  I feel this way because everyone who sees me sees someone other than who I am. 
“Our lives only improve when we are willing to take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson
Well, Walter here you go: What people see= determination, courage, perseverance, inspiration and
What I see= frustration, unhappiness, suffering from a loss almost a decade old....