Often I find my way through life through reflection. Reflecting can be amazing but it can be triggered by anything, like news article puts you into unyielding tears.
"The double-edged nature of being a grandmother: Your thoughts turn powerfully toward the future — one that now includes the grandchildren you adore — at the very same moment you’re reminded of your own absence from that future. It’s an odd mixture of birth and death, which is what gives grandmotherhood its beauty, as well as its specific and poignant pain." Link to article.
That's all it took. I am crying because even though my daughters have amazing living great-grandmothers and grandmothers, they would never know the person most responsible for me.
My adopted mother passed away from cancer almost 15 years ago. It feels like an entire lifetime ago, but yesterday at the same time. It hurts deep, the same deep hole I had felt not knowing my biological mother for 35 years. A piece of your heart is just gone.
What weighs on my mind the most, are the things she would have lavished in and I mean, far more than birthdays and holidays. When my 11 year old pops off an attitudy remark at me... I imagine her in my mind laughing and saying "oh so much more to come my dear..."
I know she would say "You have a well-rounded group of women there, you're in good hands." But the selfish me wonders, why can't she be here too? I read articles about how important grandparents are and feel a bit cheated by it all... then feel guilty because she would say "You gained more people to love, how can you be sad?"
Those are two feelings that I got out of losing my mom: a deepened understanding of love and the inability to shake the regret of some of the idealistic youthful arguments I may have once had. Okay, actually... I had a lot of those .... or maybe an excellent memory of the number of things I said as an ignorant entitled little child. I realize that my nightly avoiding of washing the dishes was absolutely petulant of me. In those moments I wish for grace and forgiveness.
I dream about the conversations she and I might have about my biological mother. Those hypothetical discussions can provide a good distraction from feeling sad about all the things she is missing from not meeting her granddaughters and all they are missing by not knowing her.
