Over the past week since I’ve returned from vacation, it’s as if all of the walls I constructed to protect my heart have come crashing down. I have had too many high and low moments.
Finding out my favorite blog TinyBuddha.com published my post was an amazing experience. Realizing my message reached more than 500 people was amazing, I felt on top of the world. Then it all came crashing down, I lost my keys to happiness.
I’m sure this is a combination of not being able to afford to go to the doctor to treat the lung infection I have, but more so – it’s the heartbreak of realizing as much as I have chanted for the privilege to be a part of the Ikeda Youth Ensemble, I am merely just another person who failed to be selected.
There are hundreds of dance teams who did not make the cut, but my feelings are different. My dance team made it, only I did not make the cut. It hurts the most, because I was the resounding voice who always said SGI Phoenix would go to California. But because I work five jobs, take care of a person with a disability, and a very intelligent four-year-old. I couldn’t make the time to learn the dance prior to the video submission – so I thought I would support the group in the only way I truly could, by recording the dance. All along I knew in my heart, I would master the dance and have a chance to go to California, in fact, this was one of my own delusions.
I spent most of Saturday night, yesterday and today, crying to myself. Crying because I am not strong enough to handle this…. What’s wrong with me? I should be proud of everyone who worked so hard to go and they are getting to go. I guess I just felt like I had worked hard too, but no matter how I devote my heart and work towards goals they slip by as quick as they were once announced.
"A reformer is one who sets forth cheerfully toward sure defeat." -Lydia M. Child
In Ms. Child’s perception, I am the reformer. I offered help by volunteering to video the group instead of focusing on learning the dance to get the opportunity to go. I created this false delusion all on my own.
I am frustrated by my false delusion, now I see myself as the one who didn’t make it because I didn’t have the spirit of a lion. But on the flip side, no one sees what I go through every day. No one knows I work 60+ hours a week, am the sole provider for a family, I dedicate much of my spare time to helping college students find their way, many hours for non-profit organizations and countless others whether I know them personally or not. I become their bridge to happiness. You would think being so many peoples links to happiness would help me find happiness, but as I wrote for TinyBuddha, everyone loses their keys and mine are lost.
I portray a very strong person, but in reality, I am human and I am weak to my own demons. Some advice on this matter I received from a friend was “to make it a cause to learn the dance anyway, to learn it with all my heart and soul.” That’s a given, but learning the dance doesn’t make the heartbreak go away and being a caring person for everybody else doesn’t lead to personal happiness – although I hope one day it will.
I must face reality as did Buddha, when he saw death, disease and dying… it is inevitable… and you must face the reality. Unfortunately, I’m not a part of the team I thought I was. Though I love each and every one of the dancers and will continue to chant for their success. I will unfortunately, probably always see this as a personal failure.
I am the one person who failed. I guess I have always known that since I never got one of the costumes to dance in. Now if I can just find my way to exhale.
Countless hours of daimoku I am sure.