Bringing Performance Arts Back Into My Life

I remember my first performance singing at age four, it blossomed into theater, music and dance performances throughout my childhood/teenager years until 1999. I loved being on stage, I loved that I could inspire others through music, dancing and drama. Between 1999 and 2011, I have kept my love for singing (with sporadic privately paid singing performances) and I have trained my daughter.

While I was at New Year's Gongyo at the Phoenix Convention Center I was inspired by the Taiko drums, dancers, chorus performers. I decided I was going to join the dance group with Nina, I've grown to love dance and my dancing myoho sisters... I have actual proof I have become happier in my life.

My first performance was for Daisaku Ikeda Week and it's changed me... Learning hula helped me to connect my heart with my mentor. Before my performance I chanted sincerely and I could feel the interconnectness of humanity and the universe around me. I will be continuing with dance and continuing to enhance my efforts to "be the change I want to see in this world."

A Work In Progress… Me.

"Reality is harsh. It can be cruel and ugly. Yet no matter how much we grieve over our environment and circumstances nothing will change. What is important is not to be defeated, to forge ahead bravely. If we do this, a path will open before us." ~Daisaku Ikeda

Over the past few months, I’ve tried to look at every situation I find myself in, from as many different perspectives as possible.  But the fact of the matter is, when I am alone… my mind floods with all the grief, suffering, and difficulties.  I try to do my best with what I have, I never give up, and I continue to persevere.  My life condition is definitely not what it appears to be on the outside, inside there is a small girl crying who never seems to get things right.

I attend SGI-USA Buddhist meetings regularly; while I am there I feel like I am a bird flying high above the sky seeing everything for what it is.  But then afterwards, when the support network isn’t with me, I feel alone.  I continue to participate in the Buddhist activities because while I’m present, I’m happy.  But I can’t escape the aloneness I feel whenever I am left to let my brain run in circles.

One of my favorite songs, Reflection has always given me goosebumps because I feel the song in my heart very deeply.  I feel this way because everyone who sees me sees someone other than who I am. 

“Our lives only improve when we are willing to take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson

Well, Walter here you go: What people see= determination, courage, perseverance, inspiration and
What I see= frustration, unhappiness, suffering from a loss almost a decade old....

But someday, I Will Touch The Sky....

Where is Your Value? Can you see past your Ego to find it?

Today’s TinyBuddha blog got me thinking and reflecting about recent decisions I’ve made. Very recently, I got caught up in this conundrum of wanting to achieve success in something based on the happiness of an experience long ago.

Let me be more specific, when I was in high school (and middle school) I was very involved in the performing arts. I sang in the elite singing group, I was cast in major and minor roles in musical theatre and plays. I loved learning the dances, singing, helping build the set, and creating the aura of performing arts. I did everything I could and stayed involved through most of my pre-college career.

Recently, since my daughter has become more involved in the performing arts – it has made me want to participate again. It brought back the passion of dance, music and song. I joined the SGI-Phoenix United Colors of Kosen-Rufu dance group with my daughter in January. We would both go to practice (and even though she is only 4-years old) she would mimic the dancers with all her heart. Somewhere along the line, I confused my priorities. It became more about me learning the dance, than what it was originally intended to be (an outlet that both my daughter and I could share happily).

There’s not really anyone here to blame other than myself, I established unachievable priorities and lost sight of what was really important… spending time with my daughter dancing. When I lost sight of that objective, I also lost sight of my personal confidence. I began to compare myself to the other dancers (even though they had been dancing for over 7 months, I felt my 4 month commitment should compare). I set unreasonable goals because I thought (well if I could do this 10 years ago, why can’t I now?). Needless to say, I ended up realizing after a conversation with several people – my lacking confidence in myself, ultimately seemed to be rubbing off on everyone else.

So this week I’ve spent a lot of time, trying to figure out where I went wrong. Here’s what I’ve got: first, remembering why I joined the group to begin with: for my daughter and I to share something very special; two, comparing myself to others was very immature of me and three, bringing my lack of confidence and sharing it (unintentionally) was hindering the mission of the group. Finally, I realized that the performance and competition was never about me. (Duh! Right?) It was always about letting my daughter do something she loves: dance.

"Competition has been shown to be useful up to a certain point and no further, but cooperation, which is the thing we must strive for today, begins where competition leaves off." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

So determining where to go from here, was what I thought about from the moment I realized my priorities had been skewed. First, I’m not quitting dance but I am removing myself from the competition mindset, this was an activity for me and my daughter to share.

I’m reminded of my daughter’s Disney movie called Lilo & Stitch. Lilo (a very young independent Hawaiian girl) says to her new pet (Stitch) after he is playing destructively… “Why don’t you make something instead?”

So I got to thinking and decided, yes that’s exactly what I’m going to do! I’m going to create a Future Division Performance Group Summer Camp. Ironically enough, I asked two people to help and within the hour – both people were onboard. That was my first signal that I was making the right decision. Second, I’ve spent the last few days coming up with ideas of how this production will be, it will be free to all SGI Future Division members (because my daughter and the youth are who I care about the most) and it will let my creative juices run free without the nagging feeling of competition. It is the truest commitment I can make to SGI, which brings me back to Lori’s quote today:

“What we must decide is how we are valuable rather than how valuable we are.” ~Edgar Z. Friedenberg

When Walls Come Crashing Down~

Over the past week since I’ve returned from vacation, it’s as if all of the walls I constructed to protect my heart have come crashing down. I have had too many high and low moments.

Finding out my favorite blog TinyBuddha.com published my post was an amazing experience. Realizing my message reached more than 500 people was amazing, I felt on top of the world. Then it all came crashing down, I lost my keys to happiness.

I’m sure this is a combination of not being able to afford to go to the doctor to treat the lung infection I have, but more so – it’s the heartbreak of realizing as much as I have chanted for the privilege to be a part of the Ikeda Youth Ensemble, I am merely just another person who failed to be selected.

There are hundreds of dance teams who did not make the cut, but my feelings are different. My dance team made it, only I did not make the cut. It hurts the most, because I was the resounding voice who always said SGI Phoenix would go to California. But because I work five jobs, take care of a person with a disability, and a very intelligent four-year-old. I couldn’t make the time to learn the dance prior to the video submission – so I thought I would support the group in the only way I truly could, by recording the dance. All along I knew in my heart, I would master the dance and have a chance to go to California, in fact, this was one of my own delusions.

I spent most of Saturday night, yesterday and today, crying to myself. Crying because I am not strong enough to handle this…. What’s wrong with me? I should be proud of everyone who worked so hard to go and they are getting to go. I guess I just felt like I had worked hard too, but no matter how I devote my heart and work towards goals they slip by as quick as they were once announced.

"A reformer is one who sets forth cheerfully toward sure defeat." -Lydia M. Child

In Ms. Child’s perception, I am the reformer. I offered help by volunteering to video the group instead of focusing on learning the dance to get the opportunity to go. I created this false delusion all on my own.

I am frustrated by my false delusion, now I see myself as the one who didn’t make it because I didn’t have the spirit of a lion. But on the flip side, no one sees what I go through every day. No one knows I work 60+ hours a week, am the sole provider for a family, I dedicate much of my spare time to helping college students find their way, many hours for non-profit organizations and countless others whether I know them personally or not. I become their bridge to happiness. You would think being so many peoples links to happiness would help me find happiness, but as I wrote for TinyBuddha, everyone loses their keys and mine are lost.

I portray a very strong person, but in reality, I am human and I am weak to my own demons. Some advice on this matter I received from a friend was “to make it a cause to learn the dance anyway, to learn it with all my heart and soul.” That’s a given, but learning the dance doesn’t make the heartbreak go away and being a caring person for everybody else doesn’t lead to personal happiness – although I hope one day it will.

I must face reality as did Buddha, when he saw death, disease and dying… it is inevitable… and you must face the reality. Unfortunately, I’m not a part of the team I thought I was. Though I love each and every one of the dancers and will continue to chant for their success. I will unfortunately, probably always see this as a personal failure.

“For every win, someone must fail… there comes a point when you will exhale.” –Whitney Houston.

I am the one person who failed. I guess I have always known that since I never got one of the costumes to dance in. Now if I can just find my way to exhale.

Countless hours of daimoku I am sure.

Imaginations Made Into Reality~*

“The use of traveling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are.” ~Samuel Johnson

I’m getting really excited about my upcoming vacation. It’s been quite the challenge, saving the money, securing the time off, finishing all my current projects at work (early in some instances), finding subs for my on ground teaching, finding time to pack, managing my leadership roles in advance - so I don’t have to check my email every two minutes, and much much more. Let’s just summarize it by saying: a lot of planning and re-planning came into play.

I already know it’s worth it though, just from watching Nina… and her excitement build up… she’s about to burst I think. She just can’t wait to meet her cousins and aunts on Zach’s side of the family. It’s been a decade since he’s seen them, not to mention Nina and I have never met them (with the exception of Internet connection).

Obviously, she can’t wait to meet the Princesses and Fairies at Disney World as well… I can only imagine how the adventure will be in her eyes. I remember my visits to Disney as a child vividly; I remember all of our family trips… the drives were long… but definitely worth it.
I think it’s going to be quite the journey, taking our dogs, driving 31 hours, seeing my dad in a baseball tournament for seniors.

Then there’s the whole purpose of the trip… Reigniting the vows I made five years ago. Ironically I recall a quote by John Steinbeck, “A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.” I don’t know if I ever thought I would get married and but once you make that commitment you can’t give up – ever. No matter what... but I have to say if five years seems like forever, forever surely is eternity. I love you Zach.

Listening to: “Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel... this love is difficult, but it's real... don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess... It's a love story, baby just say yes."

Anyway, I’m scatterbrained with excitement – I can’t wait to catalog this journey. I know I will remember it for the rest of my life.

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” ~Henry Miller

Which "L" will you pick? Love or Loneliness

"This love is difficult but it's real" - the song Love Story by Taylor Swift.

I fear loneliness, everyone has a worst case scenario and mine is I will become lost in my own world, losing my memory, not being able to remember all the beautiful memories and be memory-less.

Those memories are the motivation that keeps my dreams alive.

Overwhelmed and I know it!!

So I’ve been planning for my vacation in my spare time, which has turned out to be somewhat of a nightmare. Nothing seems to be easy, my dentist over charged my credit card – I’m desperately trying to stay ahead of the cycling debt. I have done my best to keep my vacation off of my credit, because I’m still paying off last year’s vacation. I don’t want to make that mistake again.

I was supposed to complete a lot of online work, including preparing for a version change to my online Humanities course with the University of Phoenix. I was also supposed to write my guidance for my new Ashford courses, beginning about a week after my return from vacation.

What I discovered is as much as most of my work is not difficult for me to do, I have become a procrastinator. I don’t know when this transition happened because it’s completely opposed to the way I’ve always worked. I was the student done with my final projects, two weeks before the end of my classes.

Now I find myself struggling to plan my next move 24 hours (or less) in advance of when I need to achieve my target.

No wonder, I am a pot full of anxiety. If I don’t get these things done over vacation, I will have to go back to pulling off some overnighters. I’m definitely over the age of successfully pulling off overnighters.

I know I’m overloaded… between taking care of my husband’s adventures with applying for disability, to being involved in too many professional organizations, to trying to be super mom, to trying to be the best professor to get noticed, to trying to make room for my religious faith, to all my career endeavors at the University of Phoenix….

I know I need a break, but the sad part of that is knowing, my vacation is really not going to be a vacation – it’s going to be a week, where I have to do all the online work I procrastinated on during spring break.

Sigh. End of short rant.

Don't Let the Struggles of Life, Dictate Your Life

Just over one year ago, I became a practicing Buddhist. I joined SGI-USA because I wanted to be a part of a movement that I truly believed in. One of SGI’s primary beliefs is in peace, in fact, President Ikeda wrote his 30th Peace Proposal for the United Nations this year. That’s pretty spectacular in my view. But, that’s not the only reason I became a practicing Buddhist, it was because I was struggling in life and wanted change.

"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

I struggled with my weight as I entered the new year (2011), I struggled last summer when I lost Lara (my first dog), I struggled in September when my husband lost his close cousin, I’ve struggled in my relationship for various reasons (not needed to be publicized on the Internet), I’ve struggled with my self-esteem (although there’s always been a struggle there), I’ve struggled to be a good parent, I’ve struggled at work … I’ve struggled at just about everything – come to think of it.

So with all the struggling, I’ve made it a point to make as many strides for perseverance and happiness, even when there was inevitable heartache…

I can hear the cynics “Did Buddhism fix all that was wrong? So what good has Buddhism brought you?”

Well, first off, if you seek out religion to solve your problems - you are a fool because praying to any God or cause will never make you happy. You are just fooling yourself.
So did Buddhism fix all of my problems... Nope. Did I expect it to? Nope. Am I still struggling? Absolutely, but that’s ok!

So what good did it do me by becoming a practicing Buddhist? Perspective, Strength, Hope, Love, Life Cause, Human Revolution and an Understanding that Change is Unavoidable (whether it’s good or bad). By studying Buddhism, I am becoming a better person, not just for me – but for my family, friends and everyone I meet that has some role in my life. Sure, I still have bad days, everyone does. But the moral to the story is: having somewhere in your life you can go feeling terrible, and come out feeling like everything’s going to be ok – now that’s something worthwhile.

"The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just." ~Abraham Lincoln

Making a cause in your life is key. Giving yourself a reason to wake up in the morning, learning to appreciate the things you have, rather than the things you don’t. Making strides to becoming a better person… Identifying your strengths and using them, and inversely, identifying your weaknesses and working on them.

All these takeaways are much more valuable than to focus on all the struggles of the world. Thinking with the perspective, maybe that door closed because there’s another one down the hallway that just opened and its better. I know I sound like I have a purpose and I am fulfilled, but I still struggle everyday – and that’s ok.

"Chaos is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on with diligence." ~Buddha

I also realize I have many more struggles ahead of me, but with perspective and the perseverance to strive on; I believe I will face everything I may encounter with newfound spirit, perspective and even in death, I will not be lost.

"Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely." ~Buddha

"Every great dream begins with a dreamer."

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." ~Walt Disney
I turned thirty this past year and for some reason that number terrified me. It wasn’t that I haven’t achieved my goals up until this point; actually it is quite the inverse. I believe I have become a better person and recognize my successes in academia and work with great pride.

Growing up, I never fit in (many of you know this, if you have read my blog before) – I also struggled a great deal with having positive self-esteem. It wasn’t that I had a “can’t do” attitude - inversely I tried everything I could, and did the best I could because I was always up for a challenge.

I joined SGI last year in February 2011 and becoming a practicing Buddhist felt so right. I can’t remember the time when I haven’t had this perspective on things and I feel like my entire life I have been Buddhist all along.

In the last year, I have learned so much about myself and gained something I thought I had long since lost courage. Considering I had a very low self-esteem for many years of my life and the turning of thirty, I realized I needed to start applying myself and doing things I have always loved which included going back to my roots so to speak.

I have always loved dance and though it has never been my forte – my daughter has all of the rhythm I never possessed. When I was in high school, I was in musical theater and was required to learn to dance and jazz. I was never the best one and I don’t remember ever being perfect but I enjoyed the challenge and dancing always brought a smile to my face, whether it was laughing at how terrible I was or laughing because we were all enjoying ourselves – the laughter was always there.

When my daughter and I watched the dancers on New Year’s Day at the Phoenix Convention Center, we were sold that we both wanted to dance in the group because it looked like so much fun. I will admit for every ounce of excitement my daughter had to join the group, I had the same amount of fear that I would never be able to do it. I don’t know if it was because I thought I was too old or if I lacked the courage to pursue something that would be a serious physical challenge.

It’s funny really, I have never afraid to step up to a challenge when it comes to academics, but when it comes to something moderately athletic, I shudder with fear. But this time, I wasn’t going to let fear, my lack of coordination, dancing ability or skill set stop me. I wanted to dance and I was making it a mission to be able to learn it because I could do it. (I will do it.)

I’ve been chanting much more regularly, not only for myself but for everyone in the dance group. But I’ll admit, a lot of my chanting was me saying “please don’t let me be the awkward person who obviously lacks dance talent.”

I have been dancing with the group for five weeks now and for the first time this past weekend, we videoed the group dance. We chose to do this, so that later we can make a montage of the SGI Phoenix dancers. We videoed about 30 minutes of our practice and since I brought the equipment, I had the video of the dance with me all weekend. I could have easily hooked up the video camera to my TV and watched it but, I decided to wait until I had time to watch it after my friend removed the video from the disc… but before I uploaded it to YouTube for everyone else in the group to watch.

Here comes the surprise… (at least for me)… I focused on watching myself, watched my moves and for five weeks, I’m astonished – I really don’t look that bad. In fact, I want to practice more now than ever because I think I could definitely learn this dance sooner than later.

All weekend my fear was, I was going to watch this video and see how terrible I looked and decide to quit dancing… but exactly the opposite happened – I want to be in dancing more and work with Nina more on dancing and perfecting the moves. It’s become more of a dream for me now, to dance with Nina and for both of us to be good at it.

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience and the passion to reach for the stars – to change the world.” ~Harriet Tubman

I hear a lot of SGI Buddhists describe their own human revolutions and I have always felt I have the perspective to see when a revolution has happened – but this time, my revolution was more than just spiritual, it was physical too.

Escaping the Fake Success of Trying to be Better Than Everyone Else

"Happiness depends upon ourselves." ~Aristotle

For as long as I can remember I have concentrated on being successful in all elements of my life. Every commitment I would make I would over exceed the goal because I thought for a long time that was the ingredient for being successful and happy. I remember times from early adolescence where I would exert every element of energy I had to be the “best in class.” Unlike school and athletics nowadays, when I was in school, not everyone got an award… only those deserving (and a few undeserving) received awards and it was my personal mission to receive every award and acknowledgement I could because I knew that was what would please my parents the most.

Recently, I came across a binder with all of the certificates I received through the years, I was not an athlete, and these were all academic achievements. It made me smile to think my mom saved so much of the stuff from when I was younger. What I choose to remember was that the driving force pushing me to excel was my parents. But now I have come to the realization that I was the one who wanted all the awards and recognition, for all of the wrong reasons… Everything I ever did, as much as I kid myself, was all driven by a different force other than to please my parents.

It was all about me.

I was an awkward adolescent with glasses, very tall and larger than most of my classmates, I did not have many friends because I had trouble connecting with others my age, I was uncomfortable with my own self image and had very low self esteem. All of those elements pushed me to prove I was better than everyone else, of course, I could credit my achievements to my parents but the real driving factor was me proving all of those who judged me, had judged me wrong. I was someone they should’ve wanted to be friends with, I was smart and motivated and those were the characteristics I continued to sell into college.

During college, I assisted in the foundation of two honor societies and an academic debate team… none of this was for others, it was again just me, compensating for not being in some sorority where I needed to rush to prove I was worthy of some college girls’ attention.

"Happiness is not a matter of events; it depends upon the tides of the mind." ~Alice Meynell

In fact, most of my life endeavors and accomplishments have been because I overachieved my own goals because I felt like the more awards, recognitions and accomplishments… the happier I would be. This was completely wrong. The happiness I would get out of these awards was just as disposable as the paper they were printed on.

So where does that leave me now?

Well I am still the same over achiever for the same wrong reasons. But, one of my most favorite quotes: “The only thing that is certain is change itself.”

I am changing and I am trying to change my perception of my life, become happier for the right reasons… avoid comparing myself to others and just compare myself to me. I’ve started to identify the things that are real to me.

The realist accomplishments in my life have been my ability to overcome the obstacles placed in my path. Now I find myself in 2012 in a conundrum, what is better “Being all I can be” or “Just being me” or is there a grey area?

I’m just not certain anymore.

Now that I’ve realized that I’m just an ordinary as everyone else I’ve lost a lot of hope in things. But why? Everyone else has hopes and dreams, shouldn’t I? It seems like just when I think things are turning around… they continue the extra 180 degrees and stay the same.

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want." ~Margaret Young

Inevitably change will occur and I hope that with it comes new light on perspectives I may not understand but will lead me to true happiness.

"The secret of health for both the mind and the body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, nor to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly." ~Buddha

Patience and Persistence: Two P’s in a Pod

"A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else." ~George Savile

I will be the first to tell you that my husband has the patience in our family (as him and I are ying and yang). Since I began my Buddhist practice, I have changed my perspective on a lot of things and I am currently working on being more patient. As I have grown older, I have come to realize that patience is really important because otherwise you drive yourself crazy waiting and wanting something big to happen.

Lately, I have found myself becoming less concerned with the ‘where will I be in 5 years’ and more concerned with ‘living happy right here, right now.’ Oddly since I began practicing that perspective things have changed significantly all on their own. But for every ounce I lack in patience, I make up for in persistence. I have spent a lot of my time being persistent about everything. Making sure I am doing my best at all my jobs, being a nicer person, being a healthier person, looking for positive opportunities and all of those actions have resulted in positive events in my life.

I was recently promoted to a specialist position with the Division of Continuing Education, which was a major milestone to me since I lost my previous specialist position to a more tenured colleague. The reason I was chosen… because the college requested me – in fact both the College of Education and Division of Continuing Education requested me. Not too shabby to actually have my efforts and work noticed. I have been overachieving in every way possible when it comes to my work lately because I truly want to be the best at what I do - with the hope that my patience will earn me the perfect job (which will hopefully involve telecommuting).

"As for goals, I don't set myself those anymore [...] I take things as they come and find that patience and persistence tend to win out in the end." ~Paul Kane

Since I have been working on my patience, random positive things have happened to me. Yesterday the healthy café in my building opened and I wanted to go down and try their soup, it was around 9:30am and the woman apologized and said they wouldn’t have soup until tomorrow then proceeded to give me a free lunch card. When I returned to the café in the afternoon, they had soup and I enjoyed a free lunch because I had been patient enough to wait.

This morning I made the same attempt to start my morning off with soup, the girl at the counter said the soup was ready and as I was waiting patiently, the chef came out again and apologized that the daily tomato basil soup wasn’t ready but I could try the tortilla chili soup instead and proceeded to give me another free lunch card. This is just a small sampling of how my persistence and patience have paid off!

"Energy and persistence conquer all things." ~Benjamin Franklin

Even though I may not have the perfect job (yet) or the perfect life situation, I do have everything that matters – so there’s no need to really worry because I know with my Buddhist practice, my persistence and my newfound patience things can only go up from here.

Looking for Happiness in 2012

I spent a lot of 2011 looking for happiness in my life. I did a lot of things to try to find it. I read sections of many Buddhist books. I took a step back and tried to change my perspective on many things. First, my job, for example, there has been an extremely low working morale. I believe this didn’t happen over night, in fact many changes came about and more than fifty employees in my department transferred, quit for better opportunities, moved to other cities where other jobs were waiting for them. I sent out over 100 curriculum vitas to try to find a better opportunity myself.

I have tried to overlook the lack of not finding a single full-time job and only scoring less than half a dozen interviews as a sign that there must be some reason - I am not supposed to leave this job. This was one of the most discouraging things to find out. I have found numerous part-time faculty positions, which have brought a lot of light to my situation but at the same time feels more like a tease of what I really want in life.

Despite my lack of success in finding another job, I tried to find positive in what I do daily. I recently helped senior management on a small team, develop core values for our department and I am hoping to help initiate more change but corporate America moves slower than a turtle and my patience is dwindling.

So with my heightened work load and higher income – I have felt a lot more like we should be living a higher quality life but this more expensive lifestyle has not brought me any happiness. Instead, I have found myself more disappointed because I keep comparing my own life to others who have it better than me. What a waste, I know this is completely against how I should be behaving but yet, it’s this hurdle I can’t seem to pass.

“If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” -Oprah Winfrey

My relationship with my husband has taken a turn for the better, which is something I have been very happy about – yet I still feel like I’m the flat tire in the relationship… slowing everything down. If I could somehow not let life’s negativities distract me from what really matters I think my perspective of life would be more positive. Overall, what I did manage to learn in 2011 is that while looking for happiness, the things that made me the happiest … weren’t past my own front door.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~Frederick Keonig

My resolutions for this year are to focus on becoming more positive through recognizing the gifts that I already have and appreciating them while I still have them.