Which "L" will you pick? Love or Loneliness

"This love is difficult but it's real" - the song Love Story by Taylor Swift.

I fear loneliness, everyone has a worst case scenario and mine is I will become lost in my own world, losing my memory, not being able to remember all the beautiful memories and be memory-less.

Those memories are the motivation that keeps my dreams alive.

Overwhelmed and I know it!!

So I’ve been planning for my vacation in my spare time, which has turned out to be somewhat of a nightmare. Nothing seems to be easy, my dentist over charged my credit card – I’m desperately trying to stay ahead of the cycling debt. I have done my best to keep my vacation off of my credit, because I’m still paying off last year’s vacation. I don’t want to make that mistake again.

I was supposed to complete a lot of online work, including preparing for a version change to my online Humanities course with the University of Phoenix. I was also supposed to write my guidance for my new Ashford courses, beginning about a week after my return from vacation.

What I discovered is as much as most of my work is not difficult for me to do, I have become a procrastinator. I don’t know when this transition happened because it’s completely opposed to the way I’ve always worked. I was the student done with my final projects, two weeks before the end of my classes.

Now I find myself struggling to plan my next move 24 hours (or less) in advance of when I need to achieve my target.

No wonder, I am a pot full of anxiety. If I don’t get these things done over vacation, I will have to go back to pulling off some overnighters. I’m definitely over the age of successfully pulling off overnighters.

I know I’m overloaded… between taking care of my husband’s adventures with applying for disability, to being involved in too many professional organizations, to trying to be super mom, to trying to be the best professor to get noticed, to trying to make room for my religious faith, to all my career endeavors at the University of Phoenix….

I know I need a break, but the sad part of that is knowing, my vacation is really not going to be a vacation – it’s going to be a week, where I have to do all the online work I procrastinated on during spring break.

Sigh. End of short rant.

Don't Let the Struggles of Life, Dictate Your Life

Just over one year ago, I became a practicing Buddhist. I joined SGI-USA because I wanted to be a part of a movement that I truly believed in. One of SGI’s primary beliefs is in peace, in fact, President Ikeda wrote his 30th Peace Proposal for the United Nations this year. That’s pretty spectacular in my view. But, that’s not the only reason I became a practicing Buddhist, it was because I was struggling in life and wanted change.

"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

I struggled with my weight as I entered the new year (2011), I struggled last summer when I lost Lara (my first dog), I struggled in September when my husband lost his close cousin, I’ve struggled in my relationship for various reasons (not needed to be publicized on the Internet), I’ve struggled with my self-esteem (although there’s always been a struggle there), I’ve struggled to be a good parent, I’ve struggled at work … I’ve struggled at just about everything – come to think of it.

So with all the struggling, I’ve made it a point to make as many strides for perseverance and happiness, even when there was inevitable heartache…

I can hear the cynics “Did Buddhism fix all that was wrong? So what good has Buddhism brought you?”

Well, first off, if you seek out religion to solve your problems - you are a fool because praying to any God or cause will never make you happy. You are just fooling yourself.
So did Buddhism fix all of my problems... Nope. Did I expect it to? Nope. Am I still struggling? Absolutely, but that’s ok!

So what good did it do me by becoming a practicing Buddhist? Perspective, Strength, Hope, Love, Life Cause, Human Revolution and an Understanding that Change is Unavoidable (whether it’s good or bad). By studying Buddhism, I am becoming a better person, not just for me – but for my family, friends and everyone I meet that has some role in my life. Sure, I still have bad days, everyone does. But the moral to the story is: having somewhere in your life you can go feeling terrible, and come out feeling like everything’s going to be ok – now that’s something worthwhile.

"The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just." ~Abraham Lincoln

Making a cause in your life is key. Giving yourself a reason to wake up in the morning, learning to appreciate the things you have, rather than the things you don’t. Making strides to becoming a better person… Identifying your strengths and using them, and inversely, identifying your weaknesses and working on them.

All these takeaways are much more valuable than to focus on all the struggles of the world. Thinking with the perspective, maybe that door closed because there’s another one down the hallway that just opened and its better. I know I sound like I have a purpose and I am fulfilled, but I still struggle everyday – and that’s ok.

"Chaos is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on with diligence." ~Buddha

I also realize I have many more struggles ahead of me, but with perspective and the perseverance to strive on; I believe I will face everything I may encounter with newfound spirit, perspective and even in death, I will not be lost.

"Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely." ~Buddha

"Every great dream begins with a dreamer."

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." ~Walt Disney
I turned thirty this past year and for some reason that number terrified me. It wasn’t that I haven’t achieved my goals up until this point; actually it is quite the inverse. I believe I have become a better person and recognize my successes in academia and work with great pride.

Growing up, I never fit in (many of you know this, if you have read my blog before) – I also struggled a great deal with having positive self-esteem. It wasn’t that I had a “can’t do” attitude - inversely I tried everything I could, and did the best I could because I was always up for a challenge.

I joined SGI last year in February 2011 and becoming a practicing Buddhist felt so right. I can’t remember the time when I haven’t had this perspective on things and I feel like my entire life I have been Buddhist all along.

In the last year, I have learned so much about myself and gained something I thought I had long since lost courage. Considering I had a very low self-esteem for many years of my life and the turning of thirty, I realized I needed to start applying myself and doing things I have always loved which included going back to my roots so to speak.

I have always loved dance and though it has never been my forte – my daughter has all of the rhythm I never possessed. When I was in high school, I was in musical theater and was required to learn to dance and jazz. I was never the best one and I don’t remember ever being perfect but I enjoyed the challenge and dancing always brought a smile to my face, whether it was laughing at how terrible I was or laughing because we were all enjoying ourselves – the laughter was always there.

When my daughter and I watched the dancers on New Year’s Day at the Phoenix Convention Center, we were sold that we both wanted to dance in the group because it looked like so much fun. I will admit for every ounce of excitement my daughter had to join the group, I had the same amount of fear that I would never be able to do it. I don’t know if it was because I thought I was too old or if I lacked the courage to pursue something that would be a serious physical challenge.

It’s funny really, I have never afraid to step up to a challenge when it comes to academics, but when it comes to something moderately athletic, I shudder with fear. But this time, I wasn’t going to let fear, my lack of coordination, dancing ability or skill set stop me. I wanted to dance and I was making it a mission to be able to learn it because I could do it. (I will do it.)

I’ve been chanting much more regularly, not only for myself but for everyone in the dance group. But I’ll admit, a lot of my chanting was me saying “please don’t let me be the awkward person who obviously lacks dance talent.”

I have been dancing with the group for five weeks now and for the first time this past weekend, we videoed the group dance. We chose to do this, so that later we can make a montage of the SGI Phoenix dancers. We videoed about 30 minutes of our practice and since I brought the equipment, I had the video of the dance with me all weekend. I could have easily hooked up the video camera to my TV and watched it but, I decided to wait until I had time to watch it after my friend removed the video from the disc… but before I uploaded it to YouTube for everyone else in the group to watch.

Here comes the surprise… (at least for me)… I focused on watching myself, watched my moves and for five weeks, I’m astonished – I really don’t look that bad. In fact, I want to practice more now than ever because I think I could definitely learn this dance sooner than later.

All weekend my fear was, I was going to watch this video and see how terrible I looked and decide to quit dancing… but exactly the opposite happened – I want to be in dancing more and work with Nina more on dancing and perfecting the moves. It’s become more of a dream for me now, to dance with Nina and for both of us to be good at it.

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience and the passion to reach for the stars – to change the world.” ~Harriet Tubman

I hear a lot of SGI Buddhists describe their own human revolutions and I have always felt I have the perspective to see when a revolution has happened – but this time, my revolution was more than just spiritual, it was physical too.

Escaping the Fake Success of Trying to be Better Than Everyone Else

"Happiness depends upon ourselves." ~Aristotle

For as long as I can remember I have concentrated on being successful in all elements of my life. Every commitment I would make I would over exceed the goal because I thought for a long time that was the ingredient for being successful and happy. I remember times from early adolescence where I would exert every element of energy I had to be the “best in class.” Unlike school and athletics nowadays, when I was in school, not everyone got an award… only those deserving (and a few undeserving) received awards and it was my personal mission to receive every award and acknowledgement I could because I knew that was what would please my parents the most.

Recently, I came across a binder with all of the certificates I received through the years, I was not an athlete, and these were all academic achievements. It made me smile to think my mom saved so much of the stuff from when I was younger. What I choose to remember was that the driving force pushing me to excel was my parents. But now I have come to the realization that I was the one who wanted all the awards and recognition, for all of the wrong reasons… Everything I ever did, as much as I kid myself, was all driven by a different force other than to please my parents.

It was all about me.

I was an awkward adolescent with glasses, very tall and larger than most of my classmates, I did not have many friends because I had trouble connecting with others my age, I was uncomfortable with my own self image and had very low self esteem. All of those elements pushed me to prove I was better than everyone else, of course, I could credit my achievements to my parents but the real driving factor was me proving all of those who judged me, had judged me wrong. I was someone they should’ve wanted to be friends with, I was smart and motivated and those were the characteristics I continued to sell into college.

During college, I assisted in the foundation of two honor societies and an academic debate team… none of this was for others, it was again just me, compensating for not being in some sorority where I needed to rush to prove I was worthy of some college girls’ attention.

"Happiness is not a matter of events; it depends upon the tides of the mind." ~Alice Meynell

In fact, most of my life endeavors and accomplishments have been because I overachieved my own goals because I felt like the more awards, recognitions and accomplishments… the happier I would be. This was completely wrong. The happiness I would get out of these awards was just as disposable as the paper they were printed on.

So where does that leave me now?

Well I am still the same over achiever for the same wrong reasons. But, one of my most favorite quotes: “The only thing that is certain is change itself.”

I am changing and I am trying to change my perception of my life, become happier for the right reasons… avoid comparing myself to others and just compare myself to me. I’ve started to identify the things that are real to me.

The realist accomplishments in my life have been my ability to overcome the obstacles placed in my path. Now I find myself in 2012 in a conundrum, what is better “Being all I can be” or “Just being me” or is there a grey area?

I’m just not certain anymore.

Now that I’ve realized that I’m just an ordinary as everyone else I’ve lost a lot of hope in things. But why? Everyone else has hopes and dreams, shouldn’t I? It seems like just when I think things are turning around… they continue the extra 180 degrees and stay the same.

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want." ~Margaret Young

Inevitably change will occur and I hope that with it comes new light on perspectives I may not understand but will lead me to true happiness.

"The secret of health for both the mind and the body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, nor to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly." ~Buddha

Patience and Persistence: Two P’s in a Pod

"A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else." ~George Savile

I will be the first to tell you that my husband has the patience in our family (as him and I are ying and yang). Since I began my Buddhist practice, I have changed my perspective on a lot of things and I am currently working on being more patient. As I have grown older, I have come to realize that patience is really important because otherwise you drive yourself crazy waiting and wanting something big to happen.

Lately, I have found myself becoming less concerned with the ‘where will I be in 5 years’ and more concerned with ‘living happy right here, right now.’ Oddly since I began practicing that perspective things have changed significantly all on their own. But for every ounce I lack in patience, I make up for in persistence. I have spent a lot of my time being persistent about everything. Making sure I am doing my best at all my jobs, being a nicer person, being a healthier person, looking for positive opportunities and all of those actions have resulted in positive events in my life.

I was recently promoted to a specialist position with the Division of Continuing Education, which was a major milestone to me since I lost my previous specialist position to a more tenured colleague. The reason I was chosen… because the college requested me – in fact both the College of Education and Division of Continuing Education requested me. Not too shabby to actually have my efforts and work noticed. I have been overachieving in every way possible when it comes to my work lately because I truly want to be the best at what I do - with the hope that my patience will earn me the perfect job (which will hopefully involve telecommuting).

"As for goals, I don't set myself those anymore [...] I take things as they come and find that patience and persistence tend to win out in the end." ~Paul Kane

Since I have been working on my patience, random positive things have happened to me. Yesterday the healthy café in my building opened and I wanted to go down and try their soup, it was around 9:30am and the woman apologized and said they wouldn’t have soup until tomorrow then proceeded to give me a free lunch card. When I returned to the café in the afternoon, they had soup and I enjoyed a free lunch because I had been patient enough to wait.

This morning I made the same attempt to start my morning off with soup, the girl at the counter said the soup was ready and as I was waiting patiently, the chef came out again and apologized that the daily tomato basil soup wasn’t ready but I could try the tortilla chili soup instead and proceeded to give me another free lunch card. This is just a small sampling of how my persistence and patience have paid off!

"Energy and persistence conquer all things." ~Benjamin Franklin

Even though I may not have the perfect job (yet) or the perfect life situation, I do have everything that matters – so there’s no need to really worry because I know with my Buddhist practice, my persistence and my newfound patience things can only go up from here.

Looking for Happiness in 2012

I spent a lot of 2011 looking for happiness in my life. I did a lot of things to try to find it. I read sections of many Buddhist books. I took a step back and tried to change my perspective on many things. First, my job, for example, there has been an extremely low working morale. I believe this didn’t happen over night, in fact many changes came about and more than fifty employees in my department transferred, quit for better opportunities, moved to other cities where other jobs were waiting for them. I sent out over 100 curriculum vitas to try to find a better opportunity myself.

I have tried to overlook the lack of not finding a single full-time job and only scoring less than half a dozen interviews as a sign that there must be some reason - I am not supposed to leave this job. This was one of the most discouraging things to find out. I have found numerous part-time faculty positions, which have brought a lot of light to my situation but at the same time feels more like a tease of what I really want in life.

Despite my lack of success in finding another job, I tried to find positive in what I do daily. I recently helped senior management on a small team, develop core values for our department and I am hoping to help initiate more change but corporate America moves slower than a turtle and my patience is dwindling.

So with my heightened work load and higher income – I have felt a lot more like we should be living a higher quality life but this more expensive lifestyle has not brought me any happiness. Instead, I have found myself more disappointed because I keep comparing my own life to others who have it better than me. What a waste, I know this is completely against how I should be behaving but yet, it’s this hurdle I can’t seem to pass.

“If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” -Oprah Winfrey

My relationship with my husband has taken a turn for the better, which is something I have been very happy about – yet I still feel like I’m the flat tire in the relationship… slowing everything down. If I could somehow not let life’s negativities distract me from what really matters I think my perspective of life would be more positive. Overall, what I did manage to learn in 2011 is that while looking for happiness, the things that made me the happiest … weren’t past my own front door.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~Frederick Keonig

My resolutions for this year are to focus on becoming more positive through recognizing the gifts that I already have and appreciating them while I still have them.

Change is the Constant

So I am anxiously (in a bad way) waiting for our move to another building. We will no longer have respectable high wall pods, we will have low walled cheap pods. I am really frustrated by this because I know how much this will affect my daily function at work.

I'm trying to be positive but the only positive thing that could come from this is telecommuting. So I will be crossing my fingers and biting my tongue for the next 90 days.

I’m ready with my I’m Thankful List!!

Since I do not have the interest or motivation to list something everyday on facebook, here’s my 30-day summary.

I am thankful…..

1. That I have my daughter because she creates true value to my life.

2. My husband and I have survived another year (without killing each other).

3. My husband is the most patient person I know (probably the reason #2 has worked out).

4. I’ve lost 110lbs this year.

5. I’ve lost 14 sizes in clothes and still have my modestly large boobies.

6. I may not be the most beautiful girl in the world – I am smart (that’s way better).

7. I have two loving dogs.

8. My husband takes cares of my two loving dogs.

9. I own a home.

10. My family still loves me.

11. My daughter has inherited almost all of my good qualities (we won’t mention the bad; remember this list was to be positive).

12. I have a working automobile.

13. I did not end up with any of my ex-relationships. (after some facebook-stalking I can definitely say “oh thank Buddha!” that could’ve been a clusterf*ck)

14. I am for-the-most-part an organized person.

15. I don’t have gambling debt. (We won’t mention all the other debt; this is supposed to be positive).

16. I have a few really wonderful friends.

17. I deleted the “drama-creators” from my facebook.

18. I’ve stuck to my decision and kept them off my facebook.

19. I won’t be teaching as much in the spring.

20. I haven’t had a brain aneurism yet.

21. I haven’t been in a car accident (seriously, I say this to myself everyday – Phoenix drivers are nuts).

22. I haven’t committed any homicides (if you met the people I work with – you’d understand).

23. I am not living in the Northeast.

24. I no longer have to deal with snow.

25. I have made it through this fall semester (well almost) managing over 150 students in six different classes, both on ground and online, was a little harder than I first thought.

26. None of my current students are psychopaths (seriously that’s a concern these days).

27. My dad is still in my life (he’s had a few good reasons in the past to jump the boat).

28. I may not be rich, but I do get to buy just about everything I want.

29. I finally had a moment today to add to my blog.

30. I have a job (based on the economy this needed added somewhere).

Aspirations of the Dream Job

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I hate that my time to write is often cut short by my many jobs. I wish I could spend more time with my daughter, I wish I could work from home. I am getting there, I just need to figure out how to get health insurance- then I will dump this donut stand and stick with what I do best. Teaching and Writing.

I really want to start writing children’s books (along with illustrating them). It’s something I have always wanted to do. I want to write about the Adventures of Nina, so that she can look back and appreciate how wonderful her life was as a child.

I am really happy about getting this new job tutoring part-time, it doesn’t pay that much but it should be rewarding. I appreciate things that are rewarding, rather than things that just require pointless work that are not going to be helpful.

So my first story of Nina’s Adventures needs to be a good one, I’m not sure if it should be her adventure as a princess, pirate, water bender, meeting attendee, or teacher.

She has so many adventures each day and she is such a wonderful subject matter – it’s really a matter of picking the best adventure and sending it to every publisher I can think of.

Any opinions on which story I should write first? Which topic would you pick?

The Economic Cluster We Call Our Home

It’s been several weeks since I have been able to write due to my current workload, working a full-time and three part-time jobs has really started to take a toll on my mind. Oddly, my body is doing alright. I’ve lost a little weight, which is the long term goal but I haven’t really been as tired as I normally am. It seems that my body has adjusted to six hours or less of sleep. We shall see if it keeps it up the rest of the ten weeks.

I’d like to say I am focused on the task at hand, and I am doing well doing everything I do but that would be a lie. I keep making mistakes, all over the place and I am starting to think that I am not strong enough to handle my own schedule. I rarely see my own daughter anymore besides on the weekends. I am sure my own father felt this way having to work long hours, day after day only seeing me for moments. He did that all so that my family could prosper, I find myself in the same boat. It is so hard to work all day for people/pets and not get to enjoy time with them. I took some time off of my regular job in September and that ended up ruining my record of never having missed a deadline and to make it sting just a little more – it occurred with two classes.

I’m very frustrated with my day job, I like to think I can do it very well but then I make dumb mistakes and I question whether I am in the wrong field altogether.

What I really want to do is teach for a University full-time but without that Ph.D. I am stuck where I am.

This economy is a killer and I’ve been thinking a lot about getting rid of things I hold dear just to pay off the debt. I am terrible with money it seems no matter how hard I try, I am still in the hole. I suppose it’s because I spend money on things because I feel I should be justified to have nice clothes at minimum at all of my jobs. Or because I don’t know my own limits, either way I need to find means to get out of the hole.

Any suggestions? I have already contemplated the obvious, drop it like it’s hot and disappear. I guess I am looking for a more tangible response where I don’t destroy my entire credit history.

Live Like You Are Dying

If I could remove four words from the world’s dictionary they would be “We need to talk.” Every time in my life I have heard those words - the proceeding statements have always been negative from being fired, to getting the news of my mother’s terminal cancer, to getting caught for doing something bad or wrong, to hearing about the death of a family member.

When I opened my eyes this morning to see my husband, he was sitting solemnly on the bed next to me and the first thing he said was “We need to talk.” After hearing those words, my stomach immediately sank. He continued, “Jason was in an accident on his motorcycle and he’s dead.”

Jason was Zach’s older cousin (on his mom’s side) and for you to understand Jason, you need a little history. Jason was a veteran of the recent wars (in the last ten years: Afghanistan/Iraq) I can not be clear on all the places he was while he served because those were confidential and he was uncomfortable talking about it – so we never did. But his job in the military was to be a phlebotomist. A phlebotomist is an individual trained to draw and give blood in a medical unit. Understanding that was his role in the military, you can imagine that the things he had seen and heard would have left him shaken. After finishing his tour in the military, he struggled for many months to figure out his own life.

He had a daughter, prior to the war, named Kiona. She is now a teenager. While we were home this past August, we had the pleasure of spending private time with him and his family. It was good to see him with his daughter and her family. Jason’s ex-wife Sarah had remarried and had a daughter very close to my daughter’s age, so it was nice to be able to spend time at their house and it was very early on that I realized our families were kindred spirits. It was also the first time I realized how much my husband really cared about his cousin Jason. He looked up to him, not in a way that he wanted to be just like him or experience the things he had – in the way that he respected the life Jason had, the things he had done for his country, his family and the strength he had to come back from such horrible moments in his life and live a carefree lifestyle.

Jason knew his own mortality. Everyone who serves or served knows it could happen (Listening to “If I die young” by The Perry Band) but you never expect it to be after you are home, out of the war zone. Jason has rode a motorcycle as long as I’ve known him and he knew the associated risks with riding but you never think you may be on your last ride.

"In reality, we are all travelers - even explorers of mortality." ~Thomas S. Monson

To hear from his family that his cousin died riding his motorcycle was a shock no one ever expected. But the little I knew Jason, I know he wouldn’t have chosen to die in another way. Living forever and dying slowly is something people often wish for, but in essence to me seems like a truly horrible fate.

Jason didn’t die in the wars; he came home and died doing something he loved. Riding his motorcycle. I was told it was the type of accident where it was quickly fatal. I can only hope myself, I am luckily enough to receive the same fate, that ends me instantly.

For my husband, Jason’s daughter Kiona and his sister Cassie (and many others), I know that life will never be the same, but to find solace in such a tragedy is the only thing you can possibly do. (Listening to “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw) If anyone lived his life as if he were dying, it was Jason. He truly understood not to fear his own mortality.

"Don't fear your mortality, because it is this very mortality that gives meaning and depth and poignancy to all the days that will be granted to you." ~Paul Tsongas

If anyone could have been considered as “Life Fulfilled” to me it was Jason. His life truly encompassed the definition of Carpe Diem. When I think of Jason for the rest of my life I won’t think of him as a victim of a horrible motorcycle accident, I will think of him as someone who was on The Edge of Glory and met death bitter sweetly.

I will chant with the hope that his family will also come to this conclusion as they grieve his loss.

Rest in Peace Jason Craft, you did make a difference and I hope we cross paths in another life.